Johnny Storm, The Human Torch (or Tyler vs. The Zippo)
Let us all wish a Happy Father’s Day to our counterparts in Thailand. On this date in the year 771, Charlemagne (my relative) became the sole King of the Franks. Today is the 73rd anniversary of the most important day in many people’s lives. This day marks the ratification of the 21st Amendment to the U.S. Constitution which ended Prohibition. Danny DeVito is thankful.
Ironically, the repeal of Prohibition indirectly affects my next story. Men historically have been known to do unintelligent things. When you think of some of the crazy stuff men have done many things come to mind: bungee jumping, drag racing, bike jumping, mountain climbing, and a myriad of other dangerous stuff. Some things do not seem like they should be accomplished until several alcoholic beverages are consumed. A night that many adult beverages were consumed is when our story takes place some ten years ago.
Back in the mid-90s, G-Man was living in the Mount with a handful of other young men. I believe that he was renting a house in one of the nicer areas of town with a few guys he had met through a former childhood friend and neighbor that we will call Tyler. Okay, so his name actually is Tyler, sue me!
One night I drove across town to hang out with G-Man, Tyler and the rest of the group. I believe I was lured there with beer and the false hope of women. I can distinctly remember consuming several beverages but I am pretty sure not half as many as young mister Tyler. Tyler always wanted to be the life of the party and this evening was no exception. You just have to picture it; Tyler was a stocky, sort of overweight guy that in high school was every girl’s friend. He could be loud and obnoxious at times but generally a pretty nice guy.
I believe that the night began with Tyler begging me to take him to the store to buy cigarettes. He had his own car; however, the engine on his University of Tennessee orange colored 1969 Chevrolet Nova was so big he needed to fill his tank every time he cranked it up. So I capitulated and watched him stagger into the local quick mart to obtain smokes and knowing Tyler, some rolling papers!
When we finally got back to the house the guys were in full swing throwing back beers and laughing uncontrollably to the latest Adam Sandler comedy CD. It was around this time that someone mentioned how Tyler was an expert in the field of Pyrotechnic Flatulence. Basically, he lit one of his farts once with his cigarette lighter. I, never one to miss a good fart burning, along with the other guys, egged Tyler on to try this amazing feat again. After much prodding, Tyler hesitantly retrieved his lighter and cleared an area in the living room.
Tyler was wearing a well worn pair of Levi Jeans and grungy white athletic socks which was odd due to his lack of athleticism. He brought himself carefully down to the carpeted flooring and laid gently onto his back. He proceeded to elevate both of his legs high above his body and reach around, Bic in hand, to his buttocks. He began grunting to force the gas that was percolating in his bowels to its ultimate exit and into history. Maybe a minute or two passed as we waited with anticipation as Tyler rocked on his back with a lit flame dancing around the area of his anus. A look of giddiness crossed his face and we all knew the inevitable had arrived. We all held our breath in excitement (and so as not to gag) as he gave that one final push. A large noise along with a puff of methane was emitted through the flame. A large burst of blue fire erupted, engulfing Tyler’s rear…and groin. He had pushed too much. His lower regions were alight not unlike a Hollywood stuntman performing for a major Sylvester Stallone movie. In fear, he began to strike violently at the areas that were on fire. Again, these areas included his backside and his testicles. Please note that for men there is nothing funnier than another man who lights his own farts. Nothing funnier, that is, except for a man who light his groin on fire while performing this stunt and has to slap the fire out with his own hand.
The flames eventually went out. Tyler only limped for a short time due to his bruised man parts. He should consider himself very lucky that he did not do himself irreparable damage to his marble bag. We only laughed at him for the rest of the evening. If I ever see Tyler again, I am pretty sure that I will try and get him to re-enact this amazing feat of skill and stupidity.
Ironically, the repeal of Prohibition indirectly affects my next story. Men historically have been known to do unintelligent things. When you think of some of the crazy stuff men have done many things come to mind: bungee jumping, drag racing, bike jumping, mountain climbing, and a myriad of other dangerous stuff. Some things do not seem like they should be accomplished until several alcoholic beverages are consumed. A night that many adult beverages were consumed is when our story takes place some ten years ago.
Back in the mid-90s, G-Man was living in the Mount with a handful of other young men. I believe that he was renting a house in one of the nicer areas of town with a few guys he had met through a former childhood friend and neighbor that we will call Tyler. Okay, so his name actually is Tyler, sue me!
One night I drove across town to hang out with G-Man, Tyler and the rest of the group. I believe I was lured there with beer and the false hope of women. I can distinctly remember consuming several beverages but I am pretty sure not half as many as young mister Tyler. Tyler always wanted to be the life of the party and this evening was no exception. You just have to picture it; Tyler was a stocky, sort of overweight guy that in high school was every girl’s friend. He could be loud and obnoxious at times but generally a pretty nice guy.
I believe that the night began with Tyler begging me to take him to the store to buy cigarettes. He had his own car; however, the engine on his University of Tennessee orange colored 1969 Chevrolet Nova was so big he needed to fill his tank every time he cranked it up. So I capitulated and watched him stagger into the local quick mart to obtain smokes and knowing Tyler, some rolling papers!
When we finally got back to the house the guys were in full swing throwing back beers and laughing uncontrollably to the latest Adam Sandler comedy CD. It was around this time that someone mentioned how Tyler was an expert in the field of Pyrotechnic Flatulence. Basically, he lit one of his farts once with his cigarette lighter. I, never one to miss a good fart burning, along with the other guys, egged Tyler on to try this amazing feat again. After much prodding, Tyler hesitantly retrieved his lighter and cleared an area in the living room.
Tyler was wearing a well worn pair of Levi Jeans and grungy white athletic socks which was odd due to his lack of athleticism. He brought himself carefully down to the carpeted flooring and laid gently onto his back. He proceeded to elevate both of his legs high above his body and reach around, Bic in hand, to his buttocks. He began grunting to force the gas that was percolating in his bowels to its ultimate exit and into history. Maybe a minute or two passed as we waited with anticipation as Tyler rocked on his back with a lit flame dancing around the area of his anus. A look of giddiness crossed his face and we all knew the inevitable had arrived. We all held our breath in excitement (and so as not to gag) as he gave that one final push. A large noise along with a puff of methane was emitted through the flame. A large burst of blue fire erupted, engulfing Tyler’s rear…and groin. He had pushed too much. His lower regions were alight not unlike a Hollywood stuntman performing for a major Sylvester Stallone movie. In fear, he began to strike violently at the areas that were on fire. Again, these areas included his backside and his testicles. Please note that for men there is nothing funnier than another man who lights his own farts. Nothing funnier, that is, except for a man who light his groin on fire while performing this stunt and has to slap the fire out with his own hand.
The flames eventually went out. Tyler only limped for a short time due to his bruised man parts. He should consider himself very lucky that he did not do himself irreparable damage to his marble bag. We only laughed at him for the rest of the evening. If I ever see Tyler again, I am pretty sure that I will try and get him to re-enact this amazing feat of skill and stupidity.
posted by LeBlanc at 10:18 AM
1 Comments:
Perhaps G-Man could recreate such an event within the next couple of weeks? Maybe Dustin would do it?
I have never been fortunate enough to witness someone lighting flatulence.
Your heterosexual lifemate,
Greenmachine
Post a Comment
<< Home